Monday, April 9, 2012

Razorbacks coach rides hog, is pig, has $#!+ for brains*

*I wanted to finish that headline with some other porcine pun, but I couldn't come up with a pig-related expression for 'is a fucking idiot.' If you know one, please suggest it.

Bobby Petrino's hog, in appropriate 'Razorback' colors 
Bobby Petrino's face, which now is also Razorback red
So, over the last few days, when I should have been focused on MotoGP's opening race, I was distracted by the American pop-culture motorcycle-story-du-jour. That is, the literal and figurative fall of University of Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino.

Leave aside the extreme, sick irony that he is the highest-paid state employee in Arkansas, I hate this fucking idiot for two reasons...

The first is that he's drawn national attention to Arkansas, which until now has been a largely undiscovered motorcycle paradise. The Ozarks are full of scenic twisty roads. The Arkansas climate is temperate enough that they aren't frost damaged; Spring comes early enough, and Fall is late enough, that there are months of good riding before and after the summer break when a few tourists serve as rolling chicanes. Long stretches of great roads run through National Forest lands where there are few driveways and crossroads, and they are not over-policed. All in all, it's the destination for bikers who, like me, live in Kansas City. The last thing we need is riders from all over the U.S. making pilgrimages to the Ozarks, the way they now congregate at places like 'the Tail of the Dragon.'

A few days ago, while riding his hog on Arkansas Highway 16, Petrino proved for the 98,472,935th time that being macho is not a substitute for actual motorcycle riding skill. While traveling at a speed at which, I guarantee, I could easily have negotiated Highway 16 even on his crap bike, Petrino had the classic middle-aged-loser-on-a-Harley single-vehicle accident.

He was not wearing a helmet -- another colossal irony considering that in his job he coaches people who he would never let on the field without helmets -- so despite the fact that he sustained a few injuries, he got off lucky.

Speaking of getting off, though, it's not the crash itself -- or the attention it drew to some of my favorite roads -- that I find so infuriating. It soon emerged that he had a passenger: his uber-hot 25 year-old assistant, Jessica Dorrell.

Who wouldn't want this former volleyball star, uh, working under him?..
I mean, sure Petrino's married -- he spent part of the day with his wife before slipping away for a motorcycle and a ride -- and he met up with Dorrell who just left her car at an intersection; it was a real tryst. That's despicable but, at some level understandable. I mean, look at her.

That's what pisses me off about this whole, um, affair. It's not that another mid-life crisis wannabe biker has an inane single-vehicle crash, or that another football moron crashed without a helmet... I'm so used to that shit that I hardly notice it any more.

What pisses me off, is that Petrino put a babe like that at risk. I've been to Arkansas, and I'm here to tell you that chicks like Jessica Dorrell are a critically endangered species down there. (My friend Bill Jeffreys likes to point out that one of the few major inventions originating in Arkansas was the toothbrush. If it had been invented in any other state, it would have been called a 'teethbrush.')

After the crash, Petrino told passersby that he didn't want them to call 911. Instead, he called the Arkansas State Trooper who is tasked with providing Petrino personal protection. That was probably an attempt to keep the whole affair off the record, but it failed. (Obviously, the state which, in its wisdom, makes a football coach its highest paid employee doesn't want him to be exposed to unnecessary risks. They could save money by reassigning that trooper to normal duties, and just throwing away Petrino's motorcycle keys. On balance, that would make him a lot safer.)

Hmm... on second thought, I take that back. Reassigning Petrino's bodyguard might just increase the number of troopers patrolling Arkansas roads. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think Petrino's a state treasure; I mean, look at his record. He should have several police bodyguards. And while they're at it, they should protect his assistants, too.

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