Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Valentino Rossi comes out

Tavullia, Italy

MotoGP star Valentino Rossi ended years of quiet paddock rumors today, when he came out as openly heterosexual.
Although questioning Rossi's sexual orientation has, in the past, resulted in media outlets being denied accreditation by Dorna, some journalists have recently come right out, declaring that Rossi is a practicing heterosexual.
Although speculating about Rossi's sexual orientation has long been a career-limiting move in the racing industry, Rossi himself has been more and more open about his 'straight' orientation. At the recent MotoGP season opening race in Qatar, his girlfriend Linda Morselli had a high profile.

"I guess the confusion may have come when, in the last few years, I said 'I hate the straights'," Rossi said, laughing off the idea that he was gay in his typical style. "But honestly, that was only because the Ducati was down on top speed."

Rossi brusquely dismissed the notion that his recent acquisition of a Harley-Davidson meant that he was gay.
"Come on!" he said displaying a little frustration, "Maybe some Harleys are gay, but I bought an XR750! It's the least-gay motorcycle there is. Anyway, I am obviously straight. The name of the town where I live actually is the word for 'vulva' in Italian."

Rossi said that he decided to come out because, at this point in his career he's looking towards his racing legacy, and he wants to be sure that he's remembered for who he really is.

"Sure, in the past, I released photos that projected an image that wasn't really me," Rossi said. "I was under pressure to conform to peoples' ideas about what a motorcycle racer should look like, and act like. But now at this point in my career, I feel that I can just be myself."
"Maybe some fans will be disappoint, in knowing that I am straight," said the many-times champion. "But what matters is what I do on the track, no? Not what I do in the sack."

With that, he ushered his hot girlfriend into his motorhome which, we note, has recently acquired an "If this van is rockin', don't bother knockin'" bumper sticker.

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Although MotoGP fans are not as openly heterosexual as, say, Nascar fans, the news that Rossi is straight has quickly spread amongst straight fans.

"That Rossi post stirred my loins," wrote Sean A. "Now that I know he's one of us, I'm an even bigger fan."


  1. Well, it doesn't matter. I am gay and when I see gay, I know he is gay. My gay radar diesn't make mistakes.Valentino is gay and no matter what he says again and agian, he will be gay.

    1. He's gay I'm sure...
      He is worried about the fan's and the following he will loose. ...

    2. It don't matter anyway each to there own..... best motorcycle rider EVER.....THE G.O.A.T. ..
      He shouldn't care and I don't think anyone else would either. ....

  2. Great fact checking and research Mark, clearly you're spot on with this report. Thank goodness it isn't April Fools day or I might have been tempted to think this was a spoof. Wait... what?

  3. couldn't care, I will always support him for his talent.